Infertility caused by endometriosis (or anything else!) can be mentally and physically crippling. But how do you cope when your partner already has kids from a previous relationship?
I love my partner's two sons and enjoy spending time with them. The same was true for my ex-husbands two children, who I watched grow from 6 years old through high school graduation. To make matters more painful, my (ex) step-daughter got pregnant at 15 and AGAIN at 17. She now has two babies when I, a woman with a home, career, and stable partner, can't. Since I wasn't able to have a baby with my ex-husband and haven't been able to with my current man either, I struggle with feelings of resentment.
When my man says things like:
1. I want to give you a baby.
2. It's been many years; I don't understand why you still cry uncontrollably every month. We'll just keep trying.
3. We need to take the kids to get their moms cards for Mother's Day.
I hear (even if irrational):
1. I don't need a baby, but I will try for YOU.
2. Why are you so upset? It's just a little blood and cramps.
3. It doesn't matter how much you do or how much you care about them, they aren't your kids. You aren't a Mother. Please help them pick out nice things for their real, deserving, wonderful Mothers (who got pregnant by accident, easily, and seem to only care about child support money and controlling their exes...).
I feel like responding (even if more irrational):
1. You don't understand. I want you to want a baby with me as badly as I want it, and to try as hard as I am. But you don't because you already have kids, so you're trying to get me pregnant out of pity for poor old me. And if we can't have a baby, you won't be sad because you already have kids.
2. It is the death of a dream every month. It is a crushing reminder that I may never have a baby. Hopes skyrocket every month only to be dashed by a brutal, painful blow to the abdomen.
3. OUCH!
So how do you cope with these situations? Here are 3 things that are helping me.
1. The book, "Unsung Lullabies" by Jaffe, Diamond, and Diamond. So far this book does a great job offering perspective on what my man might be feeling when he says these types of things. The book explains how men and women cope differently. If he doesn't want to talk about it or acts indifferent, he may be trying to mask or hide his pain. Women like to talk about it, research it, and share feelings. Men want to fix it, but feel helpless when their woman is crying uncontrollably and they can do nothing to change it. I will write a full review of the book once finished, but so far it has been really helpful (albeit a bit of a sales pitch for going to therapy at their clinic).
2. Seek out others in the same situation. If you don't know friends going through the same thing, forums and online support groups are great places to look for kindred spirits. Feelings of resentment, bitterness, guilt, and shame are all normal. You are not alone. It is how you channel these feelings that counts, and it starts by acknowledging and understanding them.
3. Get all those pent up feelings out. Whether through talking to a therapist or friend (as in #1 or #2) or writing about it, getting all those feelings out can help tremendously. Since I started this blog, it has become almost a journal for me on this challenging journey. I wish I would have started sooner. It's like I used to walk around with a giant storm cloud over my head, ready to strike out, weighing heavy over every aspect of my life. Writing (or talking) and crying allows that storm cloud to rain itself out. It's still there in my life, filling back up with rain, but as long as I release the drops regularly, it stays smaller, lighter, and less likely to pour or strike at inconvenient moments.
I'd love to hear how others are dealing with infertility. I still struggle, but my mood is considerably better and I feel the emptiness healing more since I started writing out my feelings...even if no one ever reads them.
I love my partner's two sons and enjoy spending time with them. The same was true for my ex-husbands two children, who I watched grow from 6 years old through high school graduation. To make matters more painful, my (ex) step-daughter got pregnant at 15 and AGAIN at 17. She now has two babies when I, a woman with a home, career, and stable partner, can't. Since I wasn't able to have a baby with my ex-husband and haven't been able to with my current man either, I struggle with feelings of resentment.
When my man says things like:
1. I want to give you a baby.
2. It's been many years; I don't understand why you still cry uncontrollably every month. We'll just keep trying.
3. We need to take the kids to get their moms cards for Mother's Day.
I hear (even if irrational):
1. I don't need a baby, but I will try for YOU.
2. Why are you so upset? It's just a little blood and cramps.
3. It doesn't matter how much you do or how much you care about them, they aren't your kids. You aren't a Mother. Please help them pick out nice things for their real, deserving, wonderful Mothers (who got pregnant by accident, easily, and seem to only care about child support money and controlling their exes...).
I feel like responding (even if more irrational):
1. You don't understand. I want you to want a baby with me as badly as I want it, and to try as hard as I am. But you don't because you already have kids, so you're trying to get me pregnant out of pity for poor old me. And if we can't have a baby, you won't be sad because you already have kids.
2. It is the death of a dream every month. It is a crushing reminder that I may never have a baby. Hopes skyrocket every month only to be dashed by a brutal, painful blow to the abdomen.
3. OUCH!
So how do you cope with these situations? Here are 3 things that are helping me.
1. The book, "Unsung Lullabies" by Jaffe, Diamond, and Diamond. So far this book does a great job offering perspective on what my man might be feeling when he says these types of things. The book explains how men and women cope differently. If he doesn't want to talk about it or acts indifferent, he may be trying to mask or hide his pain. Women like to talk about it, research it, and share feelings. Men want to fix it, but feel helpless when their woman is crying uncontrollably and they can do nothing to change it. I will write a full review of the book once finished, but so far it has been really helpful (albeit a bit of a sales pitch for going to therapy at their clinic).
2. Seek out others in the same situation. If you don't know friends going through the same thing, forums and online support groups are great places to look for kindred spirits. Feelings of resentment, bitterness, guilt, and shame are all normal. You are not alone. It is how you channel these feelings that counts, and it starts by acknowledging and understanding them.
3. Get all those pent up feelings out. Whether through talking to a therapist or friend (as in #1 or #2) or writing about it, getting all those feelings out can help tremendously. Since I started this blog, it has become almost a journal for me on this challenging journey. I wish I would have started sooner. It's like I used to walk around with a giant storm cloud over my head, ready to strike out, weighing heavy over every aspect of my life. Writing (or talking) and crying allows that storm cloud to rain itself out. It's still there in my life, filling back up with rain, but as long as I release the drops regularly, it stays smaller, lighter, and less likely to pour or strike at inconvenient moments.
I'd love to hear how others are dealing with infertility. I still struggle, but my mood is considerably better and I feel the emptiness healing more since I started writing out my feelings...even if no one ever reads them.